Cheaters

KinCA said:
It isn't about lessening the pain for the ex-spouse, or ex whatever. It's about honoring the commitment, self respect and respect for one's s/o.

Cheating is a form of abuse.

And while that's true, I certainly don't think someone should spend the rest of their lives punishing themselves for something that they did.

As a comment to another post:
I don't agree that everyone will cheat given the "right" circumstances. I really think that is something people say to try to justify and excuse something they have not come to terms with.
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Not at all. I think it's incredibly easy to say "I'd never do this or that" but sometimes life knocks your halo off and shit happens. Majority of people say they'd never cheat, I was always one of those people. Life doesn't always go as planned though. My own experience has really opened my eyes. In my mind, if I could do something that horrible (knowing how I feel about cheating), no one else is immune from the prospect of cheating.

I do agree that honoring ones commitment and respect to/for their SO is of the utmost importance. Many relationships are over long before they're officially over. That's when I think people forego the commitment and respect aspect. Not a proud moment in anyone's life but it's real life. We live, learn and do better! I think the people who truly would never cheat, despite even the most challenging situations, are few and far between. I always thought I was one of those people...until life knocked me on my ass and I took the easy way out. It's hard to explain but when you know yourself and you know your heart yet even you succumbed to temptation, it's hard to thinks others in a similar situation may not do that same.
 
RaiderLL said:
Not at all. I think it's incredibly easy to say "I'd never do this or that" but sometimes life knocks your halo off and shit happens. Majority of people say they'd never cheat, I was always one of those people. Life doesn't always go as planned though. My own experience has really opened my eyes. In my mind, if I could do something that horrible (knowing how I feel about cheating), no one else is immune from the prospect of cheating.

I do agree that honoring ones commitment and respect to/for their SO is of the utmost importance. Many relationships are over long before they're officially over. That's when I think people forego the commitment and respect aspect. Not a proud moment in anyone's life but it's real life. We live, learn and do better! I think the people who truly would never cheat, despite even the most challenging situations, are few and far between. I always thought I was one of those people...until life knocked me on my ass and I took the easy way out. It's hard to explain but when you know yourself and you know your heart yet even you succumbed to temptation, it's hard to thinks others in a similar situation may not do that same.
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I completely understand what you are saying.

Just because someone says (and knows) they would never cheat, doesn't mean they have a halo on or that they feel superior. They very well may have been in the worst of worst situations (or the "right" circumstances) and have made the choice not to. You don't know what they have dealt with.

I know myself very well....I know my own history and the situations I have been in. I've faced it and I know what I have chosen to do. In some ways, for me the "easy way out" was to not cheat because I simply thought I couldn't live with myself over it. I would probably punish myself over it for life and life can be tough enough without punishing ourselves. It has nothing to do with anyone else. That's just how I am.

At one point in life, I actually used to believe that anyone could cheat if everything lined up in such a way. I don't believe that to be the case any longer.

It doesn't matter what anyone else would do though. That really has no impact on our lives. It only matters what you would do in your life, or me in my life.

I really think you need to come to terms with it though and forgive yourself. From things you've posted, it doesn't seem that you fully have, yet. You can't change what's done. You've learned from it all and continuing to punish yourself doesn't do any good.
 
KinCA said:
I completely understand what you are saying.

Just because someone says (and knows) they would never cheat, doesn't mean they have a halo on or that they feel superior. They very well may have been in the worst of worst situations (or the "right" circumstances) and have made the choice not to. You don't know what they have dealt with.

I know myself very well....I know my own history and the situations I have been in. I've faced it and I know what I have chosen to do. In some ways, for me the "easy way out" was to not cheat because I simply thought I couldn't live with myself over it. I would probably punish myself over it for life and life can be tough enough without punishing ourselves. It has nothing to do with anyone else. That's just how I am.

At one point in life, I actually used to believe that anyone could cheat if everything lined up in such a way. I don't believe that to be the case any longer.

It doesn't matter what anyone else would do though. That really has no impact on our lives. It only matters what you would do in your life, or me in my life.

I really think you need to come to terms with it though and forgive yourself. From things you've posted, it doesn't seem that you fully have, yet. You can't change what's done. You've learned from it all and continuing to punish yourself doesn't do any good.
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What changed your way of thinking?

I'll never forgive myself for what I did. I really don't harp on it (except in this thread lol), I know why I did what I did and I have most definitely learned from it. I doubt my heart will ever let go of the guilt though. That's just the way I am. Can't undo what's been done, you're right. The best I can do is understand why things happened so I can make damn sure I never go down a similar path again.
 
RaiderLL said:
Not at all. I think it's incredibly easy to say "I'd never do this or that" but sometimes life knocks your halo off and shit happens. Majority of people say they'd never cheat, I was always one of those people. Life doesn't always go as planned though. My own experience has really opened my eyes. In my mind, if I could do something that horrible (knowing how I feel about cheating), no one else is immune from the prospect of cheating.

I do agree that honoring ones commitment and respect to/for their SO is of the utmost importance. Many relationships are over long before they're officially over. That's when I think people forego the commitment and respect aspect. Not a proud moment in anyone's life but it's real life. We live, learn and do better! I think the people who truly would never cheat, despite even the most challenging situations, are few and far between. I always thought I was one of those people...until life knocked me on my ass and I took the easy way out. It's hard to explain but when you know yourself and you know your heart yet even you succumbed to temptation, it's hard to thinks others in a similar situation may not do that same.
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Temptation along with certain circumstances can make bad shit happen. For me I know I've been really tempted when a girl I thought I had more shot with in a million years made it known she had a crush on me. Then all the what ifs come into play and we're human and gravitate towards those who we find physically attractive especially if your current relationship is in a rut. It's definitely not right but I see how it can happen,
 
RaiderLL said:
What changed your way of thinking?

I'll never forgive myself for what I did. I really don't harp on it (except in this thread lol), I know why I did what I did and I have most definitely learned from it. I doubt my heart will ever let go of the guilt though. That's just the way I am. Can't undo what's been done, you're right. The best I can do is understand why things happened so I can make damn sure I never go down a similar path again.
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What changed my mind was being in the position myself with all circumstances of life aligned and choosing not to.

Never is a very long time! Do you think that maybe you won't allow yourself to forgive yourself because in some way you would be afraid that would then allow your to do it again?

Would you be able to forgive someone else who cheated if you felt they took full responsibility and learned from the situation?

What if it was a case of they had cheated in a relationship before you?
 
The Dark King said:
Temptation along with certain circumstances can make bad shit happen. For me I know I've been really tempted when a girl I thought I had more shot with in a million years made it known she had a crush on me. Then all the what ifs come into play and we're human and gravitate towards those who we find physically attractive especially if your current relationship is in a rut. It's definitely not right but I see how it can happen,
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I think for most people cheating in a marriage is different than cheating in a relationship. Maybe it shouldn't be. Personally, I feel a commitment is a commitment. But usually people put much more weight on the commitment of a marriage and there is usually more involved than temptation and the relationship being in a rut (but not always).
 
KinCA said:
I think for most people cheating in a marriage is different than cheating in a relationship. Maybe it shouldn't be. Personally, I feel a commitment is a commitment. But usually people put much more weight on the commitment of a marriage and there is usually more involved than temptation and the relationship being in a rut (but not always).
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It may be a generation gap but everyone seems to be in it for better not worst. So marriage doesn't mean as much to them. The only time I see people care as much is around bonus time.
 
The Dark King said:
It may be a generation gap but everyone seems to be in it for better not worst. So marriage doesn't mean as much to them. The only time I see people care as much is around bonus time.
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Interesting. Maybe it is a generational difference. Or maybe it's more a difference in the people you know and are around.

I don't know how old you are. Those who I know in their late 20s through late 30s marriage means everything to them. To the point where many of them delay getting married (or don't get married) because they want to put everything into it. They certainly aren't taking the idea of marriage lightly at all.

I realize there are some who have the whole thing about "starter marriages" and such. But I don't think that's the majority.

And on cheating.... while the numbers of people who cheat are high, the majority still do not cheat.
 
KinCA said:
What changed my mind was being in the position myself with all circumstances of life aligned and choosing not to.

Never is a very long time! Do you think that maybe you won't allow yourself to forgive yourself because in some way you would be afraid that would then allow your to do it again?

Would you be able to forgive someone else who cheated if you felt they took full responsibility and learned from the situation?

What if it was a case of they had cheated in a relationship before you?
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I will never cheat again, regardless of if I ever forgive myself. Not after seeing the impact it had on the man I cheated on. No one deserves that. Ever.

I could certainly forgive someone who cheated but I'd never forget and I'd probably never be able to trust them completely.

Depending on the circumstances surrounding their infidelity, I may be able to trust someone who cheated previously. I know first hand what it's like to be a good person who made a shitty decision. When I'm looking at character, I look for patterns.
 
RaiderLL said:
I will never cheat again, regardless of if I ever forgive myself. Not after seeing the impact it had on the man I cheated on. No one deserves that. Ever.

I could certainly forgive someone who cheated but I'd never forget and I'd probably never be able to trust them completely.

Depending on the circumstances surrounding their infidelity, I may be able to trust someone who cheated previously. I know first hand what it's like to be a good person who made a shitty decision. When I'm looking at character, I look for patterns.
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Well see...right there, you now know you would never cheat again. There are others who didn't cheat who know with certainty that they will never cheat as well. Maybe because they have been cheated on, or maybe because they have been faced with the situation and chose differently. Whatever the circumstances, they know....just as you now know you won't in the future.

If you would be able to forgive someone else of cheating previously and/or for cheating on you, don't you think you really could forgive yourself for cheating? There's no magic involved. It's a choice we make. What does not forgiving yourself do? How does it benefit you? and how does it cost you?

Forgetting has nothing to do with forgiveness even though people like to connect the two. They are not connected.
 
KinCA said:
It isn't about lessening the pain for the ex-spouse, or ex whatever. It's about honoring the commitment, self respect and respect for one's s/o.

Cheating is a form of abuse.

And while that's true, I certainly don't think someone should spend the rest of their lives punishing themselves for something that they did.

As a comment to another post:
I don't agree that everyone will cheat given the "right" circumstances. I really think that is something people say to try to justify and excuse something they have not come to terms with.
Click to expand...

They don't give a fuck.

LOL @ you thinking a person will go "Gee, well atleast they didn't cheat on me and just broke it off".

People are still going to feel "cheated" regardless if they feeling you like that.
 
Most men, and increasingly women too, are only as faithful as their options. If presented with an extremely sexy and willing woman, the kind he can only dream about, and he feels he can't get caught, more often than not, the guy is going to go for it.

Sure, he'll say he won't, but ... lol
 
samson1701 said:
Most men, and increasingly women too, are only as faithful as their options. If presented with an extremely sexy and willing woman, the kind he can only dream about, and he feels he can't get caught, more often than not, the guy is going to go for it.

Sure, he'll say he won't, but ... lol
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There's a reason why so many people cheat and so many marriages fail

What else can you expect from a superficial society which places such emphasis on looks and charm

I mean shit if our fuckin presidents and generals have cheated....lol

In all fairness tho, David patraeus's wife looked like aunt may and the girl he cheated with was like half his age
 
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