what do white women love about black men?

[Madeleine]

Hahaa How Far now? Which culture you de marry into?

no I de make it known on here, but weytin concern Yankees? Lool they don't care, so I de blend in.

How you dey? They no know sha. Na only Yankee things dem talk. My husband na Igbo man, how for you? Now I know who I go dey find talk to if say I get any kind Naija-specific problem to discuss on here;-).
So how did your people react when you decided to open up to interracial dating?

 

[Rollx007]

How you dey? They no know sha. Na only Yankee things dem talk. My husband na Igbo man, how for you? Now I know who I go dey find talk to if say I get any kind Naija-specific problem to discuss on here;-).
So how did your people react when you decided to open up to interracial dating?

Oh that's nice , I'm Yoruba with an Irish girl.
Yes, sha keep me up to date if you want haha.

You'll be surprised but my parents were both fine with it. Just one aunty that I de close with that
complain, but she' de get over it eventually.

My girl enjoys Naija food and wants to learn more.
So you're Swiss, Have you visited Nigeria?

 

[missshyness]

I haven't read anyone else's reply to this, so someone may have answered you already.

But in this climate, it'll be safer if you find out if a black man is open to dating white women before you attempt to pursue
them, its the same vice versa black men to white women. Most people only date within their race.

Some people might want to push the idea that attraction is colour-blind, that's great to hope for, but in reality most people aren't willing to cross that line even if they are attracted to you.

There's attraction and there's preference, most black men, like the guy in your story, may want to dabble with a variety of women, but settle down with their own (based on personal, family or social reasons). African men, like myself, are expected to think about all this and so it's big in different cultures, so I'd recommend figuring them out first before you take a chance.

I'd say when I was doing my undergrad, I wasn't interested in white women for cultural reasons, but several White girls showed interest that I entertained but I never wanted it to go further, now I regret not taking them seriously.
It's the climate, the culture clash and the way society judges BM/WW that put a lot of pressure on me as a young man.

Taking away from your particular account of an Ethiopian man and focusing on your last question "...should a situation like this present itself to me again, of where I see a black guy I like or am interested in"

If you are into a Black guy, befriend him, get to know him, his preferences and don't be afraid to have this conversation with him, it definitely opens up an opportunity when a girl shows interest and is aware of these social pressures. It also proves you're not oblivious to stigmas or that dynamic in IRs, that you're prepared to approach a BM, self aware and resilient with how society judges BM with WW.

Thanks for the insights, I will keep all this in mind for the future.

Ok, yeah, I hear yah, however, one cannot always tell all of one's preferences just from looking at them and as I mentioned earlier on, he looked and sounded American, there was no indication he was foreign, at the very beginning. So it seemed safe to try to get close and make small talk, I had to start somewhere.

I did not have a chance to get that far for me to even ask him about his preferences, because I would get mixed signals from him, he sometimes would smile, then turn or rush away, and it was a rushed atmosphere at college, so I did not really get a chance to talk to him in length. We then messaged on and off online on messenger, but it was always very brief, and not much chance to talk at length. I also just recently read that Ethiopians do not like direct questions and talk about personal stuff, so even if I asked him, I am not sure if I would have gotten a straight answer.

I just was not feeling the vibe from him, and I felt if I asked him directly offline or online, I might have been prying, and by how infrequently we did exchange messages on messenger, (after his initial reaching out to me, it was mostly me who messaged hIm thereafter and I assumed he was already not really interested). Also, I am not sure to ask that, some guys may or may not like that?

When we did connect on Facebook, and I saw his page, it was mostly of Ethiopian people, his family, and women, so it looked like he mostly just associated with his own, and in class, there were a couple of times, he would talk to other women, while I was around, but ignored me.

The setting was just wrong as well, it was a rushed place in college, and there was not much time for me to try to know him, I had to go for it, or I would have lost my chance. Like I mentioned too, I have limited opportunities to meet people, and I had a chance then, and went for it, and I just tried to make small talk, I did not like totally jump on him, but I guess I should have picked up on the first vibe and just backed off after my first two tries at small talk. I had limits to who I could talk to as well, social pressures, and the college campus felt safer than my neighborhood, so it would have been hard for me to try to get to know him better outside of class.

Also, I hope guys realize white women have cultural and social pressures too, it is not always easy for them either, to approach. Maybe I might be better off sticking with home grown guys from the states.

Well, thanks for the input, and maybe I will have a better chance to have that conversation, I will keep your advice in mind, which is important, I feel it is crucial to get things out in the open.

 

[sarah23]

Yes, it is looking like that, that is the thing, when I first saw him in my class back in the day, he appeared American, and even sounded American, and he wore things affiliated with the Marines, so it did not occur to me he was foreign. Now had I known or if he had worn something, or had a thick accent, or something to indicate he was foreign, I would have known he was foreign, and I probably would not have tried to talk to him.

I read some stuff online about Ethiopians, about a woman who was puzzled and had a crush on a guy, and on another that some of those guys are womanizers, and flirt with other women.

I see now that some view friendships differently, but it still sounds a little dodgy, like it is set up for men to have their cake and eat it too. The whole sexual socks thing, yeah, to me that is a little hypocritical, they might appear moral and religious, and I have read about that of some of the men in cultures like that, where there is a duality; western women are the whores, and their women, of which many are subordinate, are the madonnas, so they move between them both, not treating them fairly. I also read that in many traditionalist cultures, women lack much equality, while the men can play around.

Culture aside, for the most part some of those attitudes described, come from male dominated cultures, where women do not occupy equality, or are not viewed as equal, and if that is the case with this guy, as we both can only guess now, then perhaps I am better off not knowing him, and his puling away was a blessing in disguise. If I get involved with any guy, black, white, blue whatever, he needs to be able to see women as full humans, not just in terms of a duality of good and bad. Side notes, he needs to know what a clitoris and g spot is, and where; meaning he has had a decent modern sex education.

Also some African nations and the horn have among the worst records for human rights, and women's rights, especially genital mutilation, arranged marriages, and lack of equal access to reproductive autonomy and education, so I think things can get a little murky, when "culture" is mentioned, how far does that go? I can only buy the whole culture thing so much.

I agree, he has been in the US for a while, so it is not like he is fresh off the boat, and innocently just charms women, I think he knows what he is doing, and like it is said, he should have known some of western culture by now, it is basic respect for the land you are in, just as it would be expected of an American in Africa.

I guess I met him when he was done with his western women whore phase and was ready to settle down with his madonna phase.

There is or seems to be a general lack of seeing women as full humans in many traditionalist cultures, and where western women are seen as easy, well, that reflects their ignorance, and lack of understanding that not all of us are the same.

We are not just toys for their taking, where they can !@@#$ all over the place, hurt people, then go back home. The US is a beautiful place, not a foreign dumping grounds, place, we have our problems like other nations. When they are in the US, they should learn and understand our culture, just as it is expected of us about theirs. I cannot get on board with or abide by the idea that they see us as changing socks and judge westerners for this, and then hypocritically come to the US for "fun" and then treat the women here like socks as well, since they may consider western women not good enough, until they go home to their countries.

I know that sounds all crazy and bitter, but when guys from religious countries, or profess conservatism, culture and religion, and then look down on other people not like them, and see them as dispensable for "fun" in another country is not worthy of respect either, in my eyes. I have read and found that they do not have good and positive or respectful attitudes towards women, especially western women.

I like to think I am at least somewhat "woke" but it only goes so far, in turn, I expect my foreign guy or different guy to respect and take an interest in my culture as well.

I only mention culture because it is something we must understand. We accept it or we do not.
There is no point in criticising African society - human rights, equality etc. That is a different issue.
Also I think that you have some stereotype ideas of Africans. Example: Like describing their friendships with WW as part of their "whore phase" !
Enough ....

 

[missshyness]

I only mention culture because it is something we must understand. We accept it or we do not.
There is no point in criticising African society - human rights, equality etc. That is a different issue.
Also I think that you have some stereotype ideas of Africans. Example: Like describing their friendships with WW as part of their "whore phase" !
Enough ....

OK, I knew it was just a matter of time before I would get static for my posts, but I take responsibility, I did pose my questions for input, and thus opened myself to criticism as well, but criticism can be good for all sides, if some learning takes place, and I have found some of the responses to my question insightful. I am also allowed to have some disappointed and negative feelings to a romantic rejection, which is basically the bottom line with what happened with me and this guy.

I was going by what one of the guys who described some, how his friends from Ethiopia and Somalia describe how some of them see western women, and the last time I checked those countries are in Africa, so no stereotyping there. Also, the guy in question, the one I have been interacting with is from Ethiopia.

I was going off of the description of some guys from that part of the world, and the middle east come to the US for "fun", or to "dabble" with white women, were their words. These guys "do not take the western women seriously", see them as "easy" "western people have sexual partners like changing socks" and then "go home to the fold" and it is "par for the course". There are guys like that, I am not saying all of them, who view western women with some disdain, as toys and not serious, that is what I am referring to. There is an actual term for this, Madonna Whore Complex, basically, it is where some men see women in a duality; either as easy sexual playthings not worthy of respect, or mothers, saints, virgins, pure etc. So when one of the guys described the behavior I quoted it reminded me of that complex.

• https://www.bellesa.co/collective/277/the-madonna-whore-complex-its-more-common-than-you-think
• https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=madonna-whore complex

In the case of some cultures, and the quotes, it sounded like western women might be the "Whores" easy, more sexually open, fun, and their women back home are the "Madonnas" whom they marry, wives, mothers etc.

Yes, this is a western construct, developed by a western guy, but the behavior and attitudes I feel a are applicable to men all over the world, who hold similar views and behave accordingly.

Yes, I agree, culture is something we must understand, we can accept a culture, and at the same be critical or admiring of it. Also, no culture is perfect, and any criticism is not stereotyping, we cannot look at the world trough those rose colored lenses, but in reality.

One must also understand, and not condone disrespectful behavior from any man for fear of not being "woke" enough, or not seeing his culture. And, what was described as some of these guys coming to the US for "fun" and "not taking women seriously" especially when there are western women who are caring, thoughtful, when they come with those views I quoted, then they are stereotyping western women and to me comes off as disrespectful behavior from them. It demonstrates their lack of consideration for culture in the US, it goes both ways. I don't care where he is from, or culture, he could come from the moon, I expect some respect and understanding back from him. One of the guys also mentioned since the guy in question with me should have been more familiar with US culture, since he has been in the military.

We are not in an idealistic world, I am equally critical of western culture as well, in fact, many western men hold this view as well, but the worst who hold this view are some guys again some guys from the middle east hold this view of western women. As one the guys pointed out, Ethiopia is near the Arab world, and so has some cultural influence from there, and some of their views. Ethiopia is also Orthodox Christian, and Christianity is an organized male dominated religion, and its roots do hold women as secondary, not equal to men.

Many societies all over the world, are male dominated, including Africa, no stereotype, is true, and the US, and Europe even, where women do not hold an equal place, no where in the world, but some places are much better than others. As a result, are not always viewed as equal, whether you want to believe that or not. Now I know there are many who are educated, live in cities and such who have more modern views.

So there is no stereotypes here, it is the truth, and if one believes otherwise, that any criticism of any cultures is bad, or cultures are all good and can do no wrong has their blinders on.

Also, the personal is political, not two different issues, human rights violations filter down, and are a result of deeply ingrained harmful aspects of cultures. Africa is among many parts of the world with humans right violations, it is a fact, not a stereotype.

 

[Rollx007]

Thanks for the insights, I will keep all this in mind for the future.

Ok, yeah, I hear yah, however, one cannot always tell all of one's preferences just from looking at them and as I mentioned earlier on, he looked and sounded American, there was no indication he was foreign, at the very beginning. So it seemed safe to try to get close and make small talk, I had to start somewhere...

No problem, I'm happy to answer anything else.

This isn't solely about his foreignness, even Black African guys born and raised in the West, like myself, think similarly about Interracial relationships. In some cases, Foreign black guys are more accepting of IR than home-grown Americans.

When it comes to your approach, I'd take it away from race in general, if a guy acts strange around a woman, a woman that is just being friendly and welcoming, then he's either not interested in being friends with her or he's awkward. Either way I'd avoid a guy like that, forget that he's Ethiopian, all that cultural-assumption about not liking personal questions sounds like suspicion to me, every ethiopian/eritrean I've met are open to talk about anything, so I wouldn't blame it on culture, you're making excuses for him, but this guy just sounds super awkward or unfriendly. If you're interested in African men, there's plenty other types to pick from, but if you have a particular preference for East-Horn African, trust me, there are plenty that like white women lool.

Also, I hope guys realize white women have cultural and social pressures too, it is not always easy for them either, to approach. Maybe I might be better off sticking with homegrown guys from the states.

Well, I tried to make it clear that it was the same thing vice versa, I'd say it's even more of a stigma or a social pressure for WW than BM.
But as a white woman that has a preference for black men, it's better to go where you're appreciated. I won't say homegrown guys are the only options you have, you'll just need be prepared to come across black guys, of any background, that might not be interested in you, solely because you're white, it's sad, but it happens.

I also think women, in general, that approach men is nice to see, but rare, guys should do the approaching, but women can hint an interest without having to approach, an ex-girlfriend did that with me and I didn't pay her any attention until a week of getting to know her, because guys are just dumb, we don't always catch women's hints or social ques. You'll have to make it a little more obvious without saying out loud "I'm interested in you!" hahaha, but that's the case overall.

 

[Othello1967]

I have another take on it, mind you on the flip side of roles since we have gotten to discussing approaching. I will try to consolidate/summarize a few years worth of back forth here in a post and leave out more of the details of each interaction with him, and try to show why I am not sure it is a good idea for a white women to show or express that she likes a black man. Please be easy on me, don't make fun of me, this was a little hard to post, but I thought maybe I could get a persecutive from the other side of things.

Basically I was attempting to talk to this guy, that I had developed a bad crush on at my university, and granted I am shy myself, so my approach was probably awkward too. I tried to sit next to him a couple of times, and other times chat with him. I would get mixed signals, he would smile at me, was always pleasant when he spoke to me back, but I always got the kind of a weird feeling, and he would sometimes duck his head down, and kind of walk away or something. A bit confused I decided one day to ask him directly if I was bothering him, he ducked his head down, smiled and said no, and he liked a little chit chat, but I was not so sure if he was being honest with me. At that point, I wanted to err on the side of caution (not be accused of harassment, past history like slavery or colonialism, or something), and so I decided I was going to leave him alone and not try to interact with him anymore.

Then, one evening, after doing a report on music, and African music, specifically drumming, in the last days of the semester in my class, I got a friend request from him on my Facebook and a message from him in messenger saying he liked my report. I was pleasantly surprised, and puzzled, because from my perspective, his body langue was mixed and overall, seemed like he did not want to interact with me, let alone connect on Facebook.

We have had some interaction messenger, and with me mostly initiating, saying hi or something, and he would say a few things. Recently, I found out he had moved or seemed to move to his home country and married a non white woman from his home country and had a child. All this in the span of about a year and half. I had sent him a valentines message, and he had sent me some old photos of his days in the military. He then had suddenly changed a profile picture to his new child. Then a while later, he had messaged me, asking how I was doing, I said ok, and thanked him for keeping in touch. He then replied that he liked our exchanges, but it was eating up phone minutes or something, and he was getting ready for a wedding, and that he had to go to bed, and he would talk to me later. I was bit confused, and shocked, and felt bit bad, all at once, and like I was intruding. I messaged back apologizing if I was causing any trouble or his time, and he replied no worries.

Anyway, basically I was a bit shocked, and he had dropped hints of kids, on his general facebook posts, but he never told me directly in messenger earlier on about exactly what was all going on, I did not realize he had gotten engaged, and was preparing for a wedding, and there was a woman expecting his child.

This was a few months back, and I have not heard from him since, although his occasional facebook posts have popped up in my newsfeed, with some having shown his presence on messenger, so he is managing to still use it, but has not messaged me, which has made me wonder if he was just trying to cut me loose. I do not plan on messaging him again, unless he messages me again, and from that I am assuming this is the end of what ever little relationship, if there was one that we had.

I felt as though he kind of blew me off, and wonder why he did connect with me in the first place? I also felt bad for feeling a bit shocked, of course I am happy for him, he seems to be happy with his new family and life, and wish him the best of luck, but somehow I have a real mixed bag of feelings; sort of brushed aside, confused, and foolish, undesirable, intrusive, and somehow inadequate.

Well, if all on here have gotten to this point of my story, the takeaway I am trying to gather from all this is; is a good idea for a woman to approach a man? or in this case, a white woman to approach a black man? I know now looking back then, I was shy and should have formally introduced myself to him first.

I am now not so sure, those who say they are not sure or feel most white women would not date them, well here is the flip side, I as a white women cannot be sure if a black man will be interested in her/me. Obviously now, I can see this guy was not, so I am trying to figure out how to proceed in the future, should a situation like this present itself to me again, of where I see a black guy I like or am interested in.

Nothing wrong with a woman approaching a man. In the case of a white woman approaching a black man she needs to be aware of the environment. This may be an extreme example: approaching the only black guy in a bar full of whites. He may be interested but if he is smart he may ignore you.

 

[orejon4]

I hope you didn’t interpret my comments as a stereotype of all men from any culture. The planet is largely patriarchal, but there are guys from every culture who think and behave differently. Further, not all guys who have the view that western women are sexually available do so out of misogyny. People around the world often make erroneous assumptions about other groups of people and more collectivist cultures can understandably view US consumer society as prioritizing individualism and personal liberty and wrongly deduce that this means licentiousness and non-traditional views. Hell, religious conservatives within the US view US mass society in this way.

Ethiopia is majority Orthodox, but with large Muslim minorities and great ethnic diversity within its borders, and neighboring muslim countries. And some traits transcend religion and are more properly viewed as regional cultural traits. And some of the more traditional areas of Europe are not far away.

A man can easily miss cues and clues from a woman (I didn’t know my current love interest was interested until she called me one evening, angry and drunk and annoyed that I hadn’t made a move or asked her out). Just chalk this up to a learning opportunity and you will definitely have other chances to have a relationship.

 

[Othello1967]

He is from Ethiopia originally, had been brought to the US as a child, was a US marine, moved around the US, and then went to local colleges in my area, (how we met).

i have done some reading a little online about them and their culture, and I believe that he come from a traditionalist culture, and that was a big part of the fazing out of my interactions with him. They seem like a fairly closed culture and stick with them selves, it seems like a common thread among some foreign guys.

If I had known way back then that he was foreign from a closed culture, I may not have tried to approach him at all, it was just he did not appear foreign, he wore American clothes, and did not seem to have a thick accent. I know know that was a mistake for me to think he was American. I just wonder if I have or have committed some faux puase with him.

Still, I was puzzled and me little to this day, that if he had zero interest in me, and was committed to his culture, which I think is the case here, why he did not tell me directly a while ago, and end things with me way back, or for that matter reached out to me on social media at all, it seemed contradictory to his or my perceiving of his body language back at university with him, (we have since both graduated).

Sounds like it was cultural. He was physically in the U.S. but mentally back in his country of birth. I had a Nigerian classmate who showed me pictures of very young girls/women that his family sent to him. He was supposed to select 1 of them to be his bride.

 

[Othello1967]

How you dey? They no know sha. Na only Yankee things dem talk. My husband na Igbo man, how for you? Now I know who I go dey find talk to if say I get any kind Naija-specific problem to discuss on here;-).
So how did your people react when you decided to open up to interracial dating?

The Nigerian classmate I mentioned in one of the posts is a Igbo. There was a bunch of them at college. Other Africans, perhaps other Nigerians, often called them the black Jews of Africa. Not sure what they meant but I noticed the Igbos were always trying to start businesses.

 

[Madeleine]

The Nigerian classmate I mentioned in one of the posts is a Igbo. There was a bunch of them at college. Other Africans, perhaps other Nigerians, often called them the black Jews of Africa. Not sure what they meant but I noticed the Igbos were always trying to start businesses.

Igbos are seen as as the business people of Nigeria. When they are abroad a lot of them try to start some sort of buying/reselling business or shipping cars/electronics or whatever back home (although not only Igbos but Nigerians of other tribes as well…).
Some want to trace their ancestry back to Israel to establish some sort of link to the Jews. I have read up on that myself because I have heard it so many times. Apparently no genetic evidence has been found to back up the idea. One Igbo professor said it’s a social construct that stemmed from Biafra war when they were looking for a kind of non-Nigerian collective identity that would set them apart from the other tribes.

 

[missshyness]

No problem, I'm happy to answer anything else.

This isn't solely about his foreignness, even Black African guys born and raised in the West, like myself, think similarly about Interracial relationships. In some cases, Foreign black guys are more accepting of IR than home-grown Americans.

When it comes to your approach, I'd take it away from race in general, if a guy acts strange around a woman, a woman that is just being friendly and welcoming, then he's either not interested in being friends with her or he's awkward. Either way I'd avoid a guy like that, forget that he's Ethiopian, all that cultural-assumption about not liking personal questions sounds like suspicion to me, every ethiopian/eritrean I've met are open to talk about anything, so I wouldn't blame it on culture, you're making excuses for him, but this guy just sounds super awkward or unfriendly. If you're interested in African men, there's plenty other types to pick from, but if you have a particular preference for East-Horn African, trust me, there are plenty that like white women lool.


Well, I tried to make it clear that it was the same thing vice versa, I'd say it's even more of a stigma or a social pressure for WW than BM.
But as a white woman that has a preference for black men, it's better to go where you're appreciated. I won't say homegrown guys are the only options you have, you'll just need be prepared to come across black guys, of any background, that might not be interested in you, solely because you're white, it's sad, but it happens.

I also think women, in general, that approach men is nice to see, but rare, guys should do the approaching, but women can hint an interest without having to approach, an ex-girlfriend did that with me and I didn't pay her any attention until a week of getting to know her, because guys are just dumb, we don't always catch women's hints or social ques. You'll have to make it a little more obvious without saying out loud "I'm interested in you!" hahaha, but that's the case overall.

Thank you for understanding, Yes, I was beginning to feel like some here were making excuses for him, like it was all me, and he could do no wrong, based on "culture" which is one of the points I was trying to make, behavior is behavior, and negative behavior is not good, no matter what culture, I am glad you recognized that.

 

[Madeleine]

Oh that's nice , I'm Yoruba with an Irish girl.
Yes, sha keep me up to date if you want haha.

You'll be surprised but my parents were both fine with it. Just one aunty that I de close with that
complain, but she' de get over it eventually.

My girl enjoys Naija food and wants to learn more.
So you're Swiss, Have you visited Nigeria?

We didn’t have any issue with my husband’s family either, I have a good relationship with them. I attempt to speak pidgin with my mother in law who doesn’t speak good English and I can cook Nigerian food, so they can’t complain too much;-)
No, I am not Swiss, I am German. We moved to Switzerland for a career opportunity my husband was offered a few years ago.
Yes, I have been to Nigeria several times. Have been to Lagos, Abuja and Yankari National Park in Bauchi (quite a while ago, when security wasn’t yet such a disaster).
Good your girlfriend likes the food, that makes interacting so much easier! It’s a bit difficult to come by African food stuff where we live now. We really miss it especially yams and plantains. I try to cook Naija food regularly even for the kids sake. At least they should know that side of themselves as well.
Did you grow up in the UK or you moved there later? Have you been to Nigeria with your lady?

 

[Madeleine]

Thanks for the insights, I will keep all this in mind for the future.

Ok, yeah, I hear yah, however, one cannot always tell all of one's preferences just from looking at them and as I mentioned earlier on, he looked and sounded American, there was no indication he was foreign, at the very beginning. So it seemed safe to try to get close and make small talk, I had to start somewhere.

I did not have a chance to get that far for me to even ask him about his preferences, because I would get mixed signals from him, he sometimes would smile, then turn or rush away, and it was a rushed atmosphere at college, so I did not really get a chance to talk to him in length. We then messaged on and off online on messenger, but it was always very brief, and not much chance to talk at length. I also just recently read that Ethiopians do not like direct questions and talk about personal stuff, so even if I asked him, I am not sure if I would have gotten a straight answer.

I just was not feeling the vibe from him, and I felt if I asked him directly offline or online, I might have been prying, and by how infrequently we did exchange messages on messenger, (after his initial reaching out to me, it was mostly me who messaged hIm thereafter and I assumed he was already not really interested). Also, I am not sure to ask that, some guys may or may not like that?

When we did connect on Facebook, and I saw his page, it was mostly of Ethiopian people, his family, and women, so it looked like he mostly just associated with his own, and in class, there were a couple of times, he would talk to other women, while I was around, but ignored me.

The setting was just wrong as well, it was a rushed place in college, and there was not much time for me to try to know him, I had to go for it, or I would have lost my chance. Like I mentioned too, I have limited opportunities to meet people, and I had a chance then, and went for it, and I just tried to make small talk, I did not like totally jump on him, but I guess I should have picked up on the first vibe and just backed off after my first two tries at small talk. I had limits to who I could talk to as well, social pressures, and the college campus felt safer than my neighborhood, so it would have been hard for me to try to get to know him better outside of class.

Also, I hope guys realize white women have cultural and social pressures too, it is not always easy for them either, to approach. Maybe I might be better off sticking with home grown guys from the states.

Well, thanks for the input, and maybe I will have a better chance to have that conversation, I will keep your advice in mind, which is important, I feel it is crucial to get things out in the open.

Forget about Ethiopian culture, your answer is right there in what you wrote. I’m not even sure I can blame him for anything because it doesn’t sound to me like he was leading you on and then dropped you.
Like I said there’s nothing wrong with having tried!

 

[missshyness]

I hope you didn’t interpret my comments as a stereotype of all men from any culture. The planet is largely patriarchal, but there are guys from every culture who think and behave differently. Further, not all guys who have the view that western women are sexually available do so out of misogyny. People around the world often make erroneous assumptions about other groups of people and more collectivist cultures can understandably view US consumer society as prioritizing individualism and personal liberty and wrongly deduce that this means licentiousness and non-traditional views. Hell, religious conservatives within the US view US mass society in this way.

Ethiopia is majority Orthodox, but with large Muslim minorities and great ethnic diversity within its borders, and neighboring muslim countries. And some traits transcend religion and are more properly viewed as regional cultural traits. And some of the more traditional areas of Europe are not far away.

A man can easily miss cues and clues from a woman (I didn’t know my current love interest was interested until she called me one evening, angry and drunk and annoyed that I hadn’t made a move or asked her out). Just chalk this up to a learning opportunity and you will definitely have other chances to have a relationship.

Lol about the girl who was drunk and angry, I thought I have gone too far here, but oh dear. No I did not interpret that, you were just the messenger trying to suggest something, and my elaborate reply and some of the things I quoted from you was to address @sarah, who was jumping on me for stereotypes, and I was trying to show her that I was not pulling things out of nowhere. I by no means mean to stereotype, I am open and like learning about cultures, so I do not appreciate when it feels like I am being accused of something.

I do not see Africa or Africans all in a bad light, in fact, I have learned about and play an African hand drum called the Djembe from west Africa, so I do partake and learn about cultures.

I am just a bit upset about things how it did not work out, and was trying to reason here, get some insights from the people here. Yes, I think it has been a combination of culture, and missed cues.

 

[orejon4]

The Nigerian classmate I mentioned in one of the posts is a Igbo. There was a bunch of them at college. Other Africans, perhaps other Nigerians, often called them the black Jews of Africa. Not sure what they meant but I noticed the Igbos were always trying to start businesses.

My Yoruba and Igbo buddies tell me similar things about the ethnic divisions in the country. It sounds like the way Europeans generalize about Northern vs Southern Europeans, Catholic vs Lutheran/Protestant, et cetera. A lot of these differences have more to do with which ethnic groups are dominant in certain sectors of the economy, government or the military. Are ironically enough, both of those groups generalize about the Hausa. Similar differences exist in Ethiopia between Amhara, Tigray, Oromo, Somaii et al.

Lol about the girl who was drunk and angry, I thought I have gone too far here, but oh dear. No I did not interpret that, you were just the messenger trying to suggest something, and my elaborate reply and some of the things I quoted from you was to address @sarah, who was jumping on me for stereotypes, and I was trying to show her that I was not pulling things out of nowhere. I by no means mean to stereotype, I am open and like learning about cultures, so I do not appreciate when it feels like I am being accused of something.

I do not see Africa or Africans all in a bad light, in fact, I have learned about and play an African hand drum called the Djembe from west Africa, so I do partake and learn about cultures.

I am just a bit upset about things how it did not work out, and was trying to reason here, get some insights from the people here. Yes, I think it has been a combination of culture, and missed cues.

I'm sorry this didn't work out, but as I said earlier, I have no doubt that you will find someone wonderful, regardless of race, who thrills you and that much happiness lies ahead. That's the awesome thing about life - it goes on and there's always another surprise around the bend.

 

[missshyness]

My Yoruba and Igbo buddies tell me similar things about the ethnic divisions in the country. It sounds like the way Europeans generalize about Northern vs Southern Europeans, Catholic vs Lutheran/Protestant, et cetera. A lot of these differences have more to do with which ethnic groups are dominant in certain sectors of the economy, government or the military. Are ironically enough, both of those groups generalize about the Hausa. Similar differences exist in Ethiopia between Amhara, Tigray, Oromo, Somaii et al.



I'm sorry this didn't work out, but as I said earlier, I have no doubt that you will find someone wonderful, regardless of race, who thrills you and that much happiness lies ahead. That's the awesome thing about life - it goes on and there's always another surprise around the bend.

Thank you that is sweet of you.

 

[missshyness]

No problem, I'm happy to answer anything else.

This isn't solely about his foreignness, even Black African guys born and raised in the West, like myself, think similarly about Interracial relationships. In some cases, Foreign black guys are more accepting of IR than home-grown Americans.

When it comes to your approach, I'd take it away from race in general, if a guy acts strange around a woman, a woman that is just being friendly and welcoming, then he's either not interested in being friends with her or he's awkward. Either way I'd avoid a guy like that, forget that he's Ethiopian, all that cultural-assumption about not liking personal questions sounds like suspicion to me, every ethiopian/eritrean I've met are open to talk about anything, so I wouldn't blame it on culture, you're making excuses for him, but this guy just sounds super awkward or unfriendly. If you're interested in African men, there's plenty other types to pick from, but if you have a particular preference for East-Horn African, trust me, there are plenty that like white women lool.


Well, I tried to make it clear that it was the same thing vice versa, I'd say it's even more of a stigma or a social pressure for WW than BM.
But as a white woman that has a preference for black men, it's better to go where you're appreciated. I won't say homegrown guys are the only options you have, you'll just need be prepared to come across black guys, of any background, that might not be interested in you, solely because you're white, it's sad, but it happens.

I also think women, in general, that approach men is nice to see, but rare, guys should do the approaching, but women can hint an interest without having to approach, an ex-girlfriend did that with me and I didn't pay her any attention until a week of getting to know her, because guys are just dumb, we don't always catch women's hints or social ques. You'll have to make it a little more obvious without saying out loud "I'm interested in you!" hahaha, but that's the case overall.

What if he never asks, how long of getting to know him, talking, before I conclude he is just not interested? at some point would I go ahead and ask?

 

[Rollx007]

Igbos are seen as as the business people of Nigeria. When they are abroad a lot of them try to start some sort of buying/reselling business or shipping cars/electronics or whatever back home (although not only Igbos but Nigerians of other tribes as well…).
Some want to trace their ancestry back to Israel to establish some sort of link to the Jews. I have read up on that myself because I have heard it so many times. Apparently no genetic evidence has been found to back up the idea. One Igbo professor said it’s a social construct that stemmed from Biafra war when they were looking for a kind of non-Nigerian collective identity that would set them apart from the other tribes.

lool as a Yoruba person myself, I've heard that Jewish assumption, but no offence to your husband's people, the claim is sham lol.
But their culture of business savviness is true and the ostracization that stemmed from the civil war explains the treatment.

 

[Rollx007]

What if he never asks, how long of getting to know him, talking, before I conclude he is just not interested? at some point would I go ahead and ask?

If you're curious I would say go for it, some guys are literally lost to hints loool
But if you can tell it's obvious he's not interested, then yes move on.
I spoke about this exact topic on clubhouse last week with 3 white women.