Cheaters

[The Dark King]

Yeah, but only to try to get her to see things from my perspective. She was 100% against the idea. I actually disagree though. I do not think in this case both would be considered selfish.

If you don't cook at home, don't be upset when you find your lover eating elsewhere.

Or just bounce. Why stick around with someone who withholds sex anyway.

 

[The Dark King]

Yeah. When I was young (and even stupider) I thought that you could have relationships where the person I was faithful to was faithful back.

Then I actually had the relationships.

Yeah. Didn't work like that. Hence monogamy is not a requirement. Telling me are going to cheat is.

They still can't do it.

I gave up a while ago.

It depends. If you have two people willing to be open and upfront theres no need to cheat. You might not stay together but you dont have to cheat.

 

[Bliss]

Yeah. When I was young (and even stupider) I thought that you could have relationships where the person I was faithful to was faithful back.

Then I actually had the relationships.

Yeah. Didn't work like that. Hence monogamy is not a requirement. Telling me are going to cheat is.

They still can't do it.

I gave up a while ago.

Yeah, it's a rude awakening. Though while that may be in relationships or casual ones, I think in marriage there is much, much less cheating.

 

[Bliss]

Men (and maybe women) cheat because they can. Period.

There also are extremely selfish people who withhold sex FOR A LONG TIME, only thinking about themselves. Or partners who use is as a selfish form of punishment FOR A LONG TIME. It shouldn't lead to cheating, but don't test your partner because what 'shouldn't happen' sometimes does. Then it's a new mess.
Now those who get it good on the regular and still cheat are just selfish dysfunctional sex addicts, imo.

 

[JordanC]

I once went 3 months without sex from a girlfriend. She just had a sex drive of a rock and really any sex had to be on her terms. Eventually we ended up breaking up and that was one of the major reasons for it. Initially I thought that breaking up with her for lack of sex would make me shallow. After a while, I just didn't see the point in having a sexless relationship.

In this scenario, if I were to cheat would that still make me selfish? Basically, she was unwilling to fulfill that which I consider a major component in a healthy relationship. In this case, I'd be just as likely to consider her selfish. I know there is common answer to my next question: "you should break up with the person if you're not being satisfied". For arguments sake, lets take that answer off the table. Now, I ask; if were to seek that satisfaction elsewhere, would it still be a selfish act? Am I not simply looking elsewhere to fulfill a normal human desire only due to my mate has made it unavailabubble at home?

Anytime I have lost interest in someone sexually then there were other things wrong in the relationship. So probably best you just ended it. :smt102

 

[jaisee]

Or just bounce. Why stick around with someone who withholds sex anyway.

I once went 3 months without sex from a girlfriend. She just had a sex drive of a rock and really any sex had to be on her terms. Eventually we ended up breaking up and that was one of the major reasons for it. Initially I thought that breaking up with her for lack of sex would make me shallow. After a while, I just didn't see the point in having a sexless relationship.

In this scenario, if I were to cheat would that still make me selfish? Basically, she was unwilling to fulfill that which I consider a major component in a healthy relationship. In this case, I'd be just as likely to consider her selfish. I know there is common answer to my next question: "you should break up with the person if you're not being satisfied". For arguments sake, lets take that answer off the table. Now, I ask; if were to seek that satisfaction elsewhere, would it still be a selfish act? Am I not simply looking elsewhere to fulfill a normal human desire only due to my mate has made it unavailabubble at home?

Well, that's the obvious answer... that's why I wanted to exclude it, so we could dig a little deeper. As Bliss stated, there are selfish people who withhold sex. In a situation like that, I'm not asking if the cheating is justified... but at the very least, is it understood why the person is cheating? I won't go so far as to say that your partners lack of action should ever be cited as ones reason for cheating, but I'd say that it if one were to take an objective look at the their own behavior in the relationship they'd see that they too contribute to it's successes and failures.

 

[Tamstrong]

I once went 3 months without sex from a girlfriend. She just had a sex drive of a rock and really any sex had to be on her terms. Eventually we ended up breaking up and that was one of the major reasons for it. Initially I thought that breaking up with her for lack of sex would make me shallow. After a while, I just didn't see the point in having a sexless relationship.

In this scenario, if I were to cheat would that still make me selfish? Basically, she was unwilling to fulfill that which I consider a major component in a healthy relationship. In this case, I'd be just as likely to consider her selfish. I know there is common answer to my next question: "you should break up with the person if you're not being satisfied". For arguments sake, lets take that answer off the table. Now, I ask; if were to seek that satisfaction elsewhere, would it still be a selfish act? Am I not simply looking elsewhere to fulfill a normal human desire only due to my mate has made it unavailabubble at home?

To me it sounds like you handled that relationship the way it needed to be handled. Like other major compatibility factors, if two people aren't on the same page sexually, then the relationship is doomed IMO. It's not at all shallow to walk away from something that isn't fulfilling or healthy. Three months with no sex while in a relationship is insane to me...that's a form of torture.

If you choose to remain in such a relationship yet choose to get your relationship components fulfilled by someone other than your SO by sneaking around, being deceitful, violating your partner's trust, and dishonoring your commitment for your own personal gain, then yes that would make you selfish. Cheaters are motivated by their own needs and will disregard right and wrong just to get what they want, and that makes them selfish. It's also not the fault of those being cheated on that their SO's cheat on them; the responsibility for cheating is on those who choose to cheat.

I would agree that in that case, your girlfriend was selfish since she didn't take your needs into as much consideration as she did her own. In a relationship, things can't just be on one person's terms; that shit just doesn't work.

I can understand wanting to satisfy the needs not being met by the SO who should be willingly fulfilling those needs, but acting on those feelings isn't an option in a committed, monogamous relationship. The solution isn't cheating. It should be about fixing the problem(s), and if they can't be fixed, the right thing to do would be to move on. If two people don't want the same things in a relationship, the best thing for both is to be free to be with those who want the same things. It's serves no healthy purpose to stay in an unhealthy/unfulfilling relationship. People aren't doing themselves or their partners any favors by staying in a bad relationship.

If ending it isn't an option (which IMO is rarely if ever the case), then it's the responsibility of the unhappy person to be honest with their partner about what's going on. It's important to tell that person that you're not happy and shit needs to change. Whether it's changing the nature of the relationship, working together to fix what's not working, laying it all out there what will happen if things don't change for the better, or whatever....it's important to be open about everything...even when the truth hurts them, it's still less painful than doing them wrong (that 'what they don't know won't hurt them' is nothing but bullshit). If they are still unwilling to deal with the problem after all of that, then they're basically choosing to accept whatever consequences their partner layed out there.

 

[Alinoa]

Yeah, it's a rude awakening. Though while that may be in relationships or casual ones, I think in marriage there is much, much less cheating.

Ha! not in my marriage at least. But again, we were both young.

The most obvious reason anyone cheats is because something is missing in the relationship. Whether is sex, or respect for the spouse, or because the passion is gone. If you aren't missing something you won't go look for it in other places.

 

[blackbull1970]

When a man pays a prostitute.

He is not paying for sex....he is paying her to leave when the sex is done.

He ain't paying her for cuddling, romance, or to make plans for a date night or come over to meet the family and friends or all that other stuff.

He is paying for straight hardcore sex and when he's done....she gets dress and leaves.

 

[jaisee]

To me it sounds like you handled that relationship the way it needed to be handled. Like other major compatibility factors, if two people aren't on the same page sexually, then the relationship is doomed IMO. It's not at all shallow to walk away from something that isn't fulfilling or healthy. Three months with no sex while in a relationship is insane to me...that's a form of torture.

If you choose to remain in such a relationship yet choose to get your relationship components fulfilled by someone other than your SO by sneaking around, being deceitful, violating your partner's trust, and dishonoring your commitment for your own personal gain, then yes that would make you selfish. Cheaters are motivated by their own needs and will disregard right and wrong just to get what they want, and that makes them selfish. It's also not the fault of those being cheated on that their SO's cheat on them; the responsibility for cheating is on those who choose to cheat.

I would agree that in that case, your girlfriend was selfish since she didn't take your needs into as much consideration as she did her own. In a relationship, things can't just be on one person's terms; that shit just doesn't work.

I can understand wanting to satisfy the needs not being met by the SO who should be willingly fulfilling those needs, but acting on those feelings isn't an option in a committed, monogamous relationship. The solution isn't cheating. It should be about fixing the problem(s), and if they can't be fixed, the right thing to do would be to move on. If two people don't want the same things in a relationship, the best thing for both is to be free to be with those who want the same things. It's serves no healthy purpose to stay in an unhealthy/unfulfilling relationship. People aren't doing themselves or their partners any favors by staying in a bad relationship.

If ending it isn't an option (which IMO is rarely if ever the case), then it's the responsibility of the unhappy person to be honest with their partner about what's going on. It's important to tell that person that you're not happy and shit needs to change. Whether it's changing the nature of the relationship, working together to fix what's not working, laying it all out there what will happen if things don't change for the better, or whatever....it's important to be open about everything...even when the truth hurts them, it's still less painful than doing them wrong (that 'what they don't know won't hurt them' is nothing but bullshit). If they are still unwilling to deal with the problem after all of that, then they're basically choosing to accept whatever consequences their partner layed out there.

Thanks Tam, that's exactly what I was looking for. While the obvious answer is to get out of the relationship, what I was really looking to find out is if you all still think it's cheating under circumstances such as the partner withholding sex.

That said, I disagree that it's a selfish act for the partner to seek sex elsewhere when it's being withheld at home. I'll agree that it's deceitful, sneaky, contemptible, etc.,. but to me selfishness is an act done with no regard to how it will affect others. In this scenario, that is not necessarily the case. Expecting ones partner to go 3 solid months without is quite unreasonable. Forcing them to go 3 solid months is showing no desire to fulfill their needs or wants in the relationship; a very selfish act.

Yes, the cheater is always ultimately to blame for his or her cheating. HOWEVER, sometimes there are actions or lack of actions by the partner that can help pave the way.

 

[Tamstrong]

Thanks Tam, that's exactly what I was looking for. While the obvious answer is to get out of the relationship, what I was really looking to find out is if you all still think it's cheating under circumstances such as the partner withholding sex.

That said, I disagree that it's a selfish act for the partner to seek sex elsewhere when it's being withheld at home. I'll agree that it's deceitful, sneaky, contemptible, etc.,. but to me selfishness is an act done with no regard to how it will affect others. In this scenario, that is not necessarily the case. Expecting ones partner to go 3 solid months without is quite unreasonable. Forcing them to go 3 solid months is showing no desire to fulfill their needs or wants in the relationship; a very selfish act.

Yes, the cheater is always ultimately to blame for his or her cheating. HOWEVER, sometimes there are actions or lack of actions by the partner that can help pave the way.

While I don't agree with it not being a selfish act, I do get where you're coming from and why someone in that situation might consider cheating. I do agree 100% that expecting or forcing ones SO to go with their needs unfulfilled is selfish and unreasonable (& controlling IMO), but I would end it before I went looking elsewhere to get my needs/wants met.

I see no point wasting time in a relationship with an unreasonable, selfish person who doesn't care about what I want or need. To me that would be like staying where I'm not wanted and where I don't matter, and it makes no sense to stay with someone who makes me feel that way. If that person doesn't give a damn about me, I'm a fool for staying and possibly missing the opportunity to meet someone who will.

By choosing to stay in a bad relationship or to compromise my integrity by cheating, I'd be compromising my happiness & healthiness. I refuse to disrespect myself that way no matter what some asshole does or doesn't do or how that asshole makes me feel.

 

[saintaugusta]

When a man pays a prostitute.

He is not paying for sex....he is paying her to leave when the sex is done.

He ain't paying her for cuddling, romance, or to make plans for a date night or come over to meet the family and friends or all that other stuff.

He is paying for straight hardcore sex and when he's done....she gets dress and leaves.

I was thinking this when I saw this post. Should have said it.

*wonders what blackbull's sign is*:smt017

 

[4north1side2]

A well respected poster has asked me why do I cheat, I wanted to give her a indepth analyzation but I've been so busy lately...

Truthfully I never intended to be a cheating ass dog. Ever since I was youngin I had a deep infactuation with females but I was pretty damn geeky, lame, and ugly. I always preferred to be in the company of females than guys but some people thought I was gay (funny because dudes who hung around "the fella's" all day were looked as not gay)

With the combination of my low self esteem, videogame addiction, square, ugly ass together, I was a female repellent. I had interest from females here and there but they were the ones I weren't interested in. I longed for a girlfriend for a very long time and felt kinda empty and worthless without one because that's all I seen on tv.

Senior year of highschool I met my Wife and we clicked so I finally got a girlfriend after so many years like I wanted. I was all on that lovey dovey you and me forever there's nobody else but you I want bullshit lol. I first cheated with this chick at work, she actually kept coming at me but I was trying my hardest to be faithful, she knew I had a woman. I finally gave in the back office of a fast food joint. All we did was kiss, it weighed on my conscious and I told my girl almost immediately, please forgive me it'll never happen again.

Well 2 years later I did cheat again but again it wasn't intentional. I went out with some friends earlier in the day and they pissed me off. They came to my house later that night to make it up to me, brought some liquor and chilled downtown to drink. My boy hollered at these older women in the car so we all chilled together drinking and smoking.

Well it got to the point these women wanted to go home but they lived like 30 miles out. My boy who hollared at them in the first place didn't want to roll with them so I felt like he was making us as a crew look like a bitch so I told them I'll roll with them and left his ass.

I remember calling my girl saying I don't know where I'm going, I'm so high and drunk right now then my phone died. I was having a down week with my dick but I managed to hit one of the broads off. Her friend watched too, they both kept bragging about my dick.

The next day I went to hit it but I couldn't get it up smh. I got mad than started to cry in front of this grown ass woman telling her I got a woman at home pregnant with my first born and I feel horrible...she cried with me lol telling me her story. That was a long ass ride home.

Ever since that day I knew I didn't have a conscious anymore. I remained faithful for 3 years but it started to fuck with me. During this time I started taking better care of myself, dressing better, lifting weights, and the ladies took notice. Females would throw the pussy at me but I'd pass trying to be this noble upstanding honorable father/husband.

After so long I got sick of the shit and said fuck it, there's no merit in this shit living this boring family life and I'm sick of missing out on these thrills with these beautiful ladies which how I became a chronic cheater.

It started out as ego stroking but became a hobby, it's fun to me and what I do on the side. I've outgrown videogames and this is the new game for me. I love the thrill and adventure. Sometimes it leads me into things I would of never done or known of. I see see and speak to other men about there relationships/marriages, majority of the faithful types are burned out wishing to be with other women. Guys who cheat come off happy like me living the life.

Why don't I divorce?

Many reasons but I'll be real, chief among them is I couldn't afford it. I would not be able to live the life I wanted if I did. Secondly I love my Wife and family. I like to see them happy so I try my best not to get sloppy and keep that aspect of my life to myself under the illusion that I am the perfect husband/father.

 

[goodlove]

There also are extremely selfish people who withhold sex FOR A LONG TIME, only thinking about themselves. Or partners who use is as a selfish form of punishment FOR A LONG TIME. It shouldn't lead to cheating, but don't test your partner because what 'shouldn't happen' sometimes does. Then it's a new mess.
Now those who get it good on the regular and still cheat are just selfish dysfunctional sex addicts, imo.

well stated

 

[Alinoa]

There also are extremely selfish people who withhold sex FOR A LONG TIME, only thinking about themselves. Or partners who use is as a selfish form of punishment FOR A LONG TIME. It shouldn't lead to cheating, but don't test your partner because what 'shouldn't happen' sometimes does. Then it's a new mess.
Now those who get it good on the regular and still cheat are just selfish dysfunctional sex addicts, imo.

I know a man who got married and the wife had regular sex for the first month only. Now she never does. When they first talked about it she told him that he was everything that she wanted in a man but now that they were married she wouldn't be having sex with him anymore because she got what she wanted.

Cheaters aren't the only bitches in the game. He won't/can't divorce her because he doesn't have financial incentive too.
He has affairs. She doesn't know outright but if she did she would be pissed. I can't understand any of it but there ya are.

Just one more reason why marriage can be whack.

And I know more than one female in marriages with exactly the same attitude.

 

[TheHuntress]

Lol bet youll change your mind next time youre in a relationship

Uh, no. It didn't change through the last several, and it won't in the ones to come. Thanks to religion, people buy into the bullshit logic that youre only supposed to be with one person your whole life, but evolution and psychology says differently.

 

[TheHuntress]

I knew religion would get knocked. Was waiting on that one.

Well, it is the single worst thing to happen to humanity other than cancer and incurable diseases.

 

[Morning Star]

She's really not lying about it. Marriage (by religion) have always been about property rights. Always been a patriarchal mindset and rule of law, where the governance is by daddy (aka "God") and that he's the absolute rule in the home.

The dynamics of marriage has altered slightly since secular progression, but the idea of a nuclear family has been nothing more but a TV scenario that hardly exists anymore. It's all a social constructed concept that's waning slowly.

Instinctively, human beings aren't meant to be monogamous. And this is purely based on scientific evidence. But given society and human sapience and the need for order and control, the idea of living in a monogamous lifestyle is tantamount to reinforce some level of structure.

I knew religion would get knocked. Was waiting on that one.

 

[Morning Star]

I never implied that there's no happiness in marriage. Far from it. However, what initially start off as a passionate companionship eventually turns to tolerant companionship. Those very people you talk about...sure they can still assert happiness, but it's no longer out of the passionate impulses towards one another had they've been married for x-amount of years. But, there is still love and happiness in the relationship. Just that we as people never give it a lot of thought.

And for the record, what drives me crazy is that people no longer accept reality and factual evidence when going into discussions. It seems like people are too butt-hurt (using your word) when their opinions are generally trumped with information that's relative and founded within the fields of cognitive understanding. I never said you were wrong in this respect. But I think you're more willing to ignore empirical studies and just go by emotion.

I still winder y'all don't start your posts out with IMO instead of putting that shit out as fact. I know plenty of happy people that have been married many years that would disagree.

 

[Bliss]

Therapists Shed New Light on Cheating

Therapists Shed New Light on Cheating

22 hours ago

Think Facebook influences infidelity? Think again.A survey of counseling professionals from YourTango.com-the digital leader in love and relationships-sheds dramatic, new light on infidelity. Surprisingly, it's not about the sex. Instead, emotional dissatisfaction is the number-one reason both men and women cheat, according to these experts, while sexual dissatisfaction comes in second. Only 8% of respondents say men are "hard-wired" to "spread their seed."

About this statistic, YourTango Expert Lynn R. Zakeri has this to say: "It may sound surprising, but many men are really looking for someone to connect with, to be their best friend and their intimate partner, and when they lose that connection in their marriage, they may look elsewhere." Meanwhile, YourTango Expert Dr. Susan Heitler adds, "While there are many factors that can lead to an extramarital sexual encounter, emotional distance is one that couples can prevent. If there's been distress, dissension or too much distance, take a marriage ed class to learn how to stay more comfortably connected."

Members of YourTango Experts, an organization of 1,200 psychotherapists, counselors, coaches and other helping professionals, completed a survey that reveals numerous insights on infidelity, including culprits, preventative measures and counterintuitive advice for adulterers.

While nearly 50% agree that technology is a catalyst for cheating, only 7% indicate that Facebook has increased the number of affairs significantly. 90% say that dating sites like Match.com just provide the opportunity; if someone wants to cheat, he/she will find a way regardless of the sites or services available.

The top two measures to prevent cheating are: (1) for both partners to feel valued and important to each other and (2) to have good communication. Satisfying sex clocked in third.

"This data is consistent with our previous research that underscores the real problem for most couples is less about sex and more about feeling valued and communicating successfully," states Andrea Miller, CEO and Founder of YourTango. "And while 50% of affairs play out sexually, emotional affairs constitute the betrayal a whopping 40% of the time. It's the lack of closeness that overwhelmingly leads to cheating and discord."

Thankfully, there's hope for the unfaithful. 81% disagree with the adage "once a cheater, always a cheater." YourTango Expert Dr. Shoshanna Bennett explains this result saying, "Sometimes certain factors collide in one's life which may lead to cheating. Once those circumstances are handled or worked through (usually regarding the primary relationship), the temptation to cheat frequently disappears, never to return again."


Additional findings include:
-59% of experts agree that pornography influences infidelity.
-47% of experts say that celebrities do not cheat any more frequently than the rest of us. However, 76% of experts claim that celebrity cheating scandals affect how the rest of us view infidelity.
-57% say that if someone in a relationship has been unfaithful, it is not always best for him/her to tell his/her partner.

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/therapists-shed-light-cheating-232500719.html